Ephesians 5:28. I learned that I don’t have to look out for myself. Ever again. That’s so awesome. I have the good pleasure of looking after her and loving her with everything. And in turn that same love and protection and life will be over me as well
On a positive note, I really did learn a lot from reading today. I think more than I’ve ever learned from sitting and reading my bible alone. And practical things too. I want to be close to Jesus. My heart was broken today for many reasons. All of the things I must have put him through being one of them. It’s so awful to have been so desensitized to things.. I won’t go back to where I’ve been. I have so much more than myself to take care of these days. I won’t ever overlook that again. I have the best dreams right in front of me
Slow day at school today.. Sat and read my Bible and prayed for what seemed like hours. Learning a lot. But I felt sick to my stomach all day and almost broke out crying twice.. I feel so broken. So awful. So angry at myself. Like I’m so stupid. I’m so full of guilt and I am utterly disgusted with everything.. With myself. I don’t know how I went from disgusted to numb to disgusted with myself so quickly. I am undeserving of all of the good in my life..
I always pictured myself like I was her prince. Like i was doing so well. Now I just look at myself like trash.. Like I used to.. Blah.. But all of that doesn’t even matter. I don’t have the option to live for myself. I can’t get low down like I used to. All I can do is try to fix everything I’ve broken. It’s sad how frail trust can be.. It’s more devastating to realize how fragile the person you love most’s heart is. And even more so to find out by hurting it. Please pray for me.
I don’t want to be a disappointment.. I don’t want to be a let down..
Randomly opened my Bible to John 8 and read this morning.. I’m not sure what God is trying to tell me.. I’ve never compared myself to anything like that.. What an awful awful feeling.. What an awful reality.. Guard your hearts.. please. Dont hurt the people you love more than anything..
My world has been rocked. My mind has been shifted so much so quickly..
I think I’ve had two hours of sleep..? Maybe..? I don’t even know.. Body tremors like I’ve never had before. I don’t know how I could be so stupid.. I don’t know how I could hurt someone i love more than anything so badly and have such a small view on something that should be huge.. It’s huge now.. That’s for sure.. I don’t want to be the one always taught… The Lord knows I want to teach. I want to love. I want to be trusted and respected.. I’ve waned those things my entire life. To be the best husband.. To be the best dad.. And to have my family know that I try so hard.. For them to feel comfort and security in me.. I feel like I’ve woken from a horrible dream into another one.. Please don’t lose faith in me..
I haven’t felt this devastated since surrender passed away :(.. I don’t know what to do. I feel so broken. She’s my whole world. She’s everything to me. How could I think so stupidly? How could I be such an idiot? She doesn’t want kids anymore? I’m not a godly man? I don’t know what to do.. I thought I was doing so great.