It’s 5:30 am.. And I haven’t slept yet. I can’t sleep lately. I have so much crap bottled up in my head its driving me insane. My friends suck. I have only one who I love and can trust. But she isn’t feeling well recently.. She’s the only thing I’m ever sure about. I don’t have any idea what i would do without her. Prayer for her would be more than appreciated.
I wish I had someone to talk to. Who wouldn’t judge me or think bad of me. Who would just listen to me and encourage and tell me something good about me for once. I’m so sick of people thinking of me in a bad way… I feel like a freaking leper. Telling me I’m this or I’m not that. I’m sick of hearing so many negatives about myself.. My mind is constantly full of all the things that I’ve done or that I do wrong. It messes me up more than anyone knows. It makes me feel like I’m doing things wrong before I even start doing anything. Everyone wonders why my self confidence is shot half the time. It’s because I never have anyone to tell me anything good about me. Anyone who ever did passed away; which is crazy to realize for the first time.. I miss Mike. He was the greatest role model. He always told me that I had the biggest heart he’d ever seen and told me to never let that change… I need to hear good things again.
I wonder all the time about whether I make him proud, or my dad proud. Or anyone for that matter. I want to be this big heroic gentleman superhero.. thing. And I’m having the hardest time getting there.
I saw some old friends yesterday. It was an alright night. Every time I see any of my old friends its always the same feeling of I need to just not hang out with them. But I think the reason I like seeing two in particular is because they care so much. They think I’m like the greatest thing ha, they always have. It feels so nice to be hugged the way they do. Or to be looked up to. Or to see someone light up and know its because you’re there. This is probably the lamest thing ever, but I have this dream way down in my heart of coming home when I have a family and just having my wife and kids run into my arms and hug the crap out of me and be so excited when they see me. I think about that a lot.
Goodness. I’m sure I’ll regret writing this later… My mind is so extremely convoluted that I can’t even follow it myself. I feel sick.